My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
