i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
