Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
