I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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