I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
