Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
