The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
this beer tastes like vomit already
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
