Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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