I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
