If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So squirting runs in the family.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
