Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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