i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize