After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
