I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Someone signed my nipple.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
