no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
