the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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