not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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