i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
