I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
