were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
