I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
