he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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