He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
