he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
