There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
