My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
