I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
