Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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