Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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