Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
