Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
