Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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