i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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