just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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