I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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