im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize