Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
