FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
