brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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