I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
