He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize