adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
