I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
