That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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