A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
