Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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