...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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