I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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