Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
