There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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