i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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