i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
