There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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