Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
