how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
