Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
