Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
