Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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