You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
