4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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