My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
