God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
