Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
