so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
