haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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