This is not my ceiling
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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