so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
